For this post I knew that I wanted to explore fear, but didn’t want to make this about the various kinds of fear, because describing the breadth of things that we fear could turn into a series on its own. There are so many! I discovered ‘Haphephobia’ which is the phobia of touching and of being touched. I just thought some people had an attitude of ‘Nah’ toward others. Should you find an afternoon free, just go through a list of phobias. It’s quite wild.

Everyone has fears, and to one degree or another, they influence the way our lifestyles are set-up. For a moment it seemed like there wasn’t a fear that was universal enough, until I came to one. This one is quite integral to who we are in that it involves the fear of rejecting one of the most important things to you: you.

Listen, fellow human, you’re one in a million. Well, one in over 7.53 billion if you want to get real about it. What I’m getting to is that everyone on this planet has been endowed with their own set of gifts, and you with yours, cannot be replicated. It is your duty as a fellow human to ascertain your gifts, and exercise them, leaving a constructive footprint within you community – nuclear and/or further.

There are different types of fear: horror movie fear, losing a loved on fear, phobia fear etc. The type of fear that I struggle with the most is the irrational fear I’ve carried all my life. To my detriment. It stops me from truly living as my authentic self and stops me from doing the things I would love to do. Where does it come from? External things and things that shouldn’t really matter, including what I imagine people’s opinions would be. I think many of us can relate to this. We are afraid to try something because of what someone may say or think. Maybe we are afraid that we won’t be good enough or that if we try we will fail and embarrass ourselves.

But here’s the thing though, we are good enough and we have exactly what it takes to do anything we put our minds to. Anything we can dream and envision ourselves doing, we can make reality. And sometimes it takes many failures before one can succeed (*cues Aaliyah – Try Again*).

I think the important thing is, when it comes to conquering these fears, that you first clearly identify what it is that is causing you this fear and why? Then you have to realize that you are the only person who is truly standing in the way of your dreams – not anyone else or anything else. Yes, people will always have their opinions but why worry about the few who might have something negative to say? People who are truly in your corner will always support you and have your back no matter what you want to do. You also have to realize that the people who perhaps you admire, who are doing what you wish you were, at one point were in exactly the same spot as you. The reason they are now in a position you admire, is because they decided fear would not stop them and they focused all their energy in doing what they love. When you do that, and you are passionate (and patient!) everything else will fall into place.

It’s definitely a work in progress. The most important thing I try to tell myself, when it comes to getting past my own fears is:
Don’t let fear stop you. Ever. Don’t compromise feeling alive by solely experiencing your dreams in your mind. You really can do anything! Try your best and the rest will fall into place. Oh, and #FuckFear ! 🙂

Hangaelle, Canada

#FuckFear! In this instance fear becomes this future-based emotion, that has the potential to be something we ruminate on. You may be familiar with a variation of this quote that goes ‘watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions’.

If you perhaps read psychology or counselling material, or you’ve been in therapy, you will have learned that thoughts are just thoughts. There is no need to pay attention to them; some suggest mentally stepping back to detach yourself from the situation to be able to analyse your perspective objectively. You are not your thoughts, however they can become your words.

We need the assurance of others to aid the development of our sense of self. It’s the psychological sounding board that gives us the freedom to push our boundaries as we learn who we and build our self-esteem, and self-worth.

If you feelin’ like a pimp n*gga, go and brush your shoulders off
Ladies is pimps too, gon’ brush your shoulders off
N*ggas is crazy baby, don’t forget that boy told you
Get, that, dirt off your shoulder.

Jay-Z, ‘Dirt Off Your Shoulder’

The fear you have of rejection becomes this energy that snowballs with every narrative you add to it. So how exactly do we work with ourselves to grow through our fear of rejection? We need to become less afraid of ourselves, to spend enough time with ourselves to know what and who is worth getting worked up over.

We don’t fear rejection we fear what we feel after it. That gnawing sensation of ‘What just happened’. That quiet inner chatter that says ‘I told you so’. That incredibly loud voice that says ‘You aren’t good enough and you never were…best of all…you never will be’

That’s what we fear.

Rejection in and of itself is nothing. We’ve offered people tea, coffee, our pens and pencils (hello, high school!) with no problems. Their acceptance or rejection thereof didn’t mean anything aside from a mere shrug…why then do we fear rejection as adults? Well as adults we fear being told we aren’t adult enough; aren’t developed enough to be rejection-proof and this I feel is the key to our fear

How do we get over it?

Well we don’t. We just keep putting ourselves out there come what may, I suppose.

Phodiso, Botswana

Your internal dialogue can fulfil whichever direction your thoughts go, embodying your thoughts through actions. This can come in the form of fabricating entire scenarios where you find yourself steered away from something that could be good for you; a job you’ve talked yourself out of applying to because the unknown threatens your perceived security, or asking for someone’s help because you don’t want it to threaten the identity you have of yourself.

That idea that your fear becomes an energy that attracts what you believe is called – surprise! – ‘The Law of Attraction’. It is defined on www.thelawofattraction.com as:

‘The Law of Attraction can be understood by understanding that ‘like attracts like’. What this means is that whether we realize it or not, we are responsible for bringing both positive and negative influences into our lives. A key part of the Law of Attraction is understanding that where you place your focus can have an intense impact on what happens to you.’

I have taken an excerpt from one of their articles that gives information on overcoming the fear of rejection. The steps are below:

• Step 1: Reject the self-fulfilling prophecy
  • When you hold on to the false assumption that others will always reject you, you create situations where rejection occurs. Unconsciously, you’ll send out signals that push people away and make your fears into reality. Then, you’ll use the next rejection as evidence that you’ll always experience rejection! Start battling this self-fulfilling prophecy by deliberately looking for signs of acceptance – write them down if it helps.
• Step 2: Focus on how you want to be
  • Are you phrasing your goals in terms of what you don’t want. For example, when dealing with rejection at work, are you thinking “I don’t want to be rejected”?You’ll be much more successful if you flip your goal into a positive. For example, make it “I want to make friends at work” or “I want to get a promotion by next year.”
• Step 3: Construct a narrative
  • When learning how to improve self-confidence, it’s important to know where the lack thereof began. Who taught you to fear rejection? Where did you receive messages suggesting you lack value? These limiting beliefs often come from things that happened when you were very young. Once you make them concrete, you can challenge them, and they start to lose their power.
• Step 4: Tap into your imagination
  • Overcoming the fear of rejection takes creative use of the imagination. Every day, make time to visualize yourself acting confidently in situations that generally make you feel insecure. Imagine yourself not only surviving but thriving, unworried by the idea of rejection. In time, this visualization habit can help to reshape your thoughts and expectations.
• Step 5: Embrace not knowing
  • Feeling rejected often leads to feeling certain that you will be rejected again. As noted above, this creates an unending vicious cycle. Start to question yourself when you make assumptions about whether you will do well at something or whether someone will like you. Accept that all possibilities are open – good and not so good – and tell yourself that you’re capable of handling both.
• Step 6: Remember you will survive
  • Getting over rejection also requires that you learn to see it differently. No particular rejection is the end of the world for you. You can survive the end of a relationship, or a job that doesn’t work out, or a friendship that no longer fits. When you catch yourself fretting over a “What if?” question, challenge yourself to imagine how you would overcome the scenario and find happiness again.
• Redefine the meaning of rejection
  • Finally, remember that all your favorite musicians, novelists, and artists have been rejected at some point. When you get rejected, you probably assume it means something awful about you. But how do you feel about others who have experienced rejection? Try to see that experiencing rejection isn’t the same as being unlovable, worthless or destined to be alone forever. In other words, rejection doesn’t have to carry that much weight – not if you don’t let it.

It’s difficult to think that nowadays we can be rejected, because ‘before the internet, coordinating and leading a tribe was difficult. It was difficult to get the word out, difficult to coordinate action, difficult to grow quickly’ as Seth Godin states in Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us.

The internet has allowed us to feel less alone, it has made the world so much smaller through being able to make an impact on other people’s lives; even when, in some instances, the internet shouldn’t have been introduced to some. Our ideas, no matter how far out we may feel they are, will resonate with someone somewhere, and it’s just a matter of opening ourselves up. At the same time, being so exposed requires us to feel stable in who we are and what we want.

‘You’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Baby we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away’

Emeli Sande, ‘Read All About It, Part III

While we need to satisfy our inherent need to be social, we need to accept the bits and pieces that make us who we are. It’s not an overnight proccess, but there are a multitude of resources out there to aid in overcoming your fear of rejection. You’re all you have; make yourself worth it.

A huge thank you to those who submitted their perspectives toward this post. Y’all give me the warm fuzzies, and I appreciate you.